One idea was that I’d do well, be famous, at least have a house to live in, be happy, get to drink and have dinner by candlelight.

When it was that I was sleeping now in ditches and didn’t have anything I don’t really know what made me thing things could get that much significantly better? I mean, I really did have a long way to go.

Hard work was going to do it.

The City could be seen near sundown as a black lump in the orange and swirl of it all and not too cold., Toronto was in sight, and I was optimistic as Americans are beaten into their hard heads to be.
Doing it is always more important than doing it right. It is all funny. The American art that sells is one big joke.
That’s for sure.

I, as a photographer, always thought there would be time to do it over.

These days I tell people who are moving that they need to realize that that box may well never be opened again. Andy Warhol was really over and over a genus long now after he died of a simple problem he ought not have died from. What a lesson he is. It really disturbs me he was shot. I distrust the way he died. It is a fact they sell his taped shut boxes that he just sent to his warehouse. Someday they may find the edited cassette tape I sent via my junkie friend.

I got another work of conceptual art: like I’ll just lay on the floor and everybody gets to spit on me.

This morning I remembered getting Ron to try some hashish. He had to smoke it out of a water pipe he kept complaining about how he had asthama, some weakness of breathing. They let me drive their rich friends Mercedes Benz sports car that handled smoothly and nicely not like the regular Mercedes that must be made to handle nicely at 90 miles an hour instead of regular speeds.
Nobody really understands cars. The reason they can go a hundred miles an hour on the flats is because there are two mountain ranges you have to get across to get to LA.
You don’t need to go fast, you need to be able to get over the mountains.

But I always sort of thought I’d have somebody to look up too, and that is true till then you don’t. It has been a long time since I’ve known anybody to look up to as a help and advisor.

Lionel has been dead now at least 30 years.

Lionel got killed at 35 himself. I only know of one son for him. The son was named Max and was really babied so at 12 he was still being awakened by his mother. The kid carried a puppet around with him all the time. I cam close to marrying his old girlfriend and the mother of his child who now has a fine career with lots and lots of standardized credits and is a fine drawer. Draftsman.

She didn’t like me finally because I had severe writers block not smoking for her and that was the job I’d got for The Inspector Gadget Show she got me from Fort Lauderdale in a motel they called the “Empty Arms” because you couldn’t have company in your room and I could’t write till I did get beer and cigarettes and sat in the room using soft newsprint paper like I’d used for the newspapers I wrote for out in the sticks of upstate New York.

Lionel didn’t know really how badly he had done Rochdale.

They had to have Security. The speed freaks and junkies were invading the place and you had to simply throw them out since really they were like cockroaches. Vampires and Voodoo Zombies are about people that have no other needs but speed and junk and cocaine which while as a sophisticated powder for the upperclasses is still just speed now crack that puts peasants in Mexico to work in organizations like how all the top level capitalists cynical create systems of slavery around all the pleasures they can afford.

Lionel had the Ducati and had been a real Canadian Navy smuggler going into East Germany where they must have got it somewhere cheap in big Russia.
I don’t know what he got there in East Germany.
I don’t know what year it was that he was in a van and there was yelling at he boarder and he couldn’t get caught and started shooting the burp gun through the walls of the van and they got through.

So he knew people and had ridden some small bike all the way to California in the opening days of the revolution. He was a Canadian Toronto Biker. I think it was Fergy who had done 15 years for pot in a cold Canadian prison and was reputed to own the copyright, have had registered the name Panama Red. Back then it was expected that it really wouldn’t be long before pot was legal.

Nobody has ever died from it. You can’t OD.

it is really really nice mixed with opium as long as you don’t get addicted really. That is what would get me I suppose: Black Nepalese Temple balls. God what a perfect high.
To be without ambition or at whatever hunger ambition is supposed to satisfy is what being high like that is.

After they dumped me off and I’d spent most of my money on an apartment I just went over to the tourist streets and started selling my poems on the streets. I was only a Boy Scout cook and young and remember being so hungry that I at a whole box of cake donuts in the stairwell.

The hippies were proud of Ethereal Foods where there was a fantastic amount of granola and fruit and honey to be had. I was a vegatarian then just because that was the only food available. My wife won’t go into the nearby legacy Co-Op hardly here in Carrboro, NC where I live now.

She snarls lots when she doesn’t get meat. There are lots of women like that really. Women who don’t eat meat are sometimes mentally stable, but lots of time they aren’t. My sister was going to get put in a mental hospital for too much vegaterian of a lifestyle and the fact of hypogycemia meant she needed a certain type of protein you don’t get from granola and lettuce.

So Lionel was one that I looked up to and had stories for me and was good to hang out with and Arna made food for all of us and I ate raw spinach for the first time and was happy about some of these things till I wasn’t and the corruption of the bikers the Bikers got too much and ruined the place.

There are lots of around the edge stories of Rochdale College Toronto where they talk about Security. But I was on Security and I really know the whole story and I really was threatened and said to be this and that and I did this and that and pretended to be crazy a few times and I am still alive for there are stories like how people jumped out of the building because flying seemed possible when you are that high on LSD.

They would have told that as a story about me.