Local interior light formation

All of this site and this all too is copyrighted by Russell Scott Day

What exactly do you expect?

“Did you expect to feel normal,when you took the stuff?”
I feel on the one hand like just letting that quote sit there, and then on the other hand like explaining it. Say it is that you took too much, or whatever it was that you took of a pill substance and were upset with the thoughts about your interior and exterior life.
In fact the pill you took, as mentioned like in a Jefferson Airplane song about pills, did some of what it was advertised to do. So did you expect to feel normal?
On one hand actually you obviously did, which was then turning out to be a mistake.
Every time I had sex with a particular girl I would encourage us to make a memory, which really didn’t happen but a few times.

So you have no real likelihood of much more about long stretches of time amounting in memory to more than it was a good time, or it was a bad time.

I am old and I don’t go out much. I’m sick. A cure for my illness isn’t yet really much known. I have an autoimmune disease. My pssorasis turned inward and ate my joints. The only work I can accomplish is this here really.
Todays, these Monday’s I’ve been able to get into a studio and read aloud my book that is now called The Revolutionary. Today’s work was canceled.

I’ve been reading Lone Wolf Sullivan’s book about Rochdale College Toronto where I lived immediately after graduation from high school where I was part of the lonely hippie anarchist getting laid by my film teacher and with honor roll from periods of sex and LSD that were successful as I was aimed at surviving in good form.

Since I was a little younger than the vanguard that diswarned went to Viet Nam, I went to CAnada for fight my fight and nearly got thrown out a window by drug dealer smugglers who had become the corrupt heart of the elite power structure of Rochdale College where i learned real enemies take your money and beat you and stab you and kill you as opposed to just gossips.

Back then I was a fast young man who punched a guy in the fast first. On into my survived 40s I got a motorcycle, and then I got a couple of pistols and a rifle or two and then now I still have what you sort of need as a knife and a .22, and a little .32. It would be good to have a shotgun.
That is the arsenal.

Transcendia to be more would need an actual army.

After the first US depression of 1837 the US cities all got big police forces to enforce the laws. There was also some repetitive perversion of the banks who got Erie Canal Stock. Banks were and still are best if that is what they are, banks where the money is stored and lent out, not insurance companies, or investment groups.
This is some of what I get from my study of financial engineering the phrase now often used to insult those who want to understand why after all this time we don’t understand how to keep our nation from going poor?
Oh, the rich elite wants the people of the nation to go poor or they will have to pay them more.
It is a proven type of conspiracy.
Some scholars say that when talented people are around they get to go to the best paying company and unions and guilds get in the way. They had a story recently out about how Larry Page? got company CEOs and leadership to agree not to pay more than within strictures so they, the elites had not good control, but all the control, which is what some of the studio system of Hollywood was all about.
That Hollywood Studio system got busted finally by the stars who as independent agents get millions and millions.
IATSE Technical workers haven’t gotten any increases for or 60 years.

Obviously you need to aim from the start at becoming an elite person. Go where the elites go and do what they do and far as any loyalty, figure you will die alone anyway.

“He died with his family all around.” That is an elite winner image. You can get that too. You get what you aim to get if you are lucky.

Out my window, armed white man.

We got him to give us the Impala. We being myself and Fergy and Billy walked to the Toronto DMV and had him sign the car over to us.
The Caveat was that I got to drive it and go and get Landed Emigrant status but Fergy got to keep the title. That was to make up for his deep disappointment over not getting to cut the thief’s finger off.
He had put up the money.
The guy was set out on the street to tell people not to come into our place and beat people and steal. We weren’t going to put up with that.

Harold and I went on a tour of bleak Canada out west and back as it got cold and found a big toy sailboat in the water and took it and ended up back at the place and then Fergy and Shaky told me to give them the keys to the car.
I was supposed to have used it for one thing and I had used it for something else and it simply wasn’t going to be my car.
Shaky was there shaking and Fergy was intimidating and Billy was playing with one of the big German Shepards used to fend off people bite people and scare people.
The German Shepards really weren’t all that vicious.
I got so I hated them for all the noise barking and barking and barking.
The Beligum Shepard and the Doberman pincers, those dogs would really hurt you.

There went my becoming a Canadian.

There were some problems. In this meeting they told me not to be telling Lionel so much.

Back then I was different in that I was just rolling. I did things and made decisions or what, the other way around, and I didn’t think about things a whole long time.
There weren’t many people for me to share much of anything with.
I wasn’t really that close to much of anybody but Wierd Harold.

While I write this out and try in a hurry to write it out there are so many pictures from life I want to include and put it all in an order for a movie that people can understand and want to see.
Some of what I was doing then was just observing my life as if it was a movie because I was lots of the time stoned really well on hashish.
I still miss that a lot. For the cold good pot and hashish is a love.
Getting totally numb you might as well.

So thee were two parts of this meeting about the car.
Billy and Fergy and Shaky, and all these guys tight with the cocaine had a smuggling company that operated out at the airport with Rentco, or something like that written on the sides that looked right like all delivery trucks are supposed to look.
They were getting Cocaine and then it came back tot he building and then it got sold.
Knowing this sort of thing at the time of it happening is the sort of thing that will get you killed.

That isn’t really then for Rochdale, Lionel, and Security as all germaine or meaningful, or to the point.
Rochdale had no reason to really care that much about the cocaine smuggling business of Fergy and Billy and Shaky and the rest of the “bikers” that Lionel hired to be Security, on Security with offices and dogs and apartments and warehouses.
I was friends with Harold, or Bob, or and Bill and Elf and just worked and got around the city.

So as someone young and naive I wasn’t used to real power. I have never had my own pistols till in my 40s. They had the guns. They had been in prisons.

Pictures of the woman who had done so much speed her eyes were sunk back into her head so the meat of her brain could be seen. The guy with an infection crawling up his leg showing it to us in the lobby there. Fist fighting with the drunks before a baseball bat was brought out and Francisco tapped that hard on the floor to dissuade more fighting.

None of these things really made that much a difference. Pretty good day in the city really.

What made the big difference was that some people had grabbed me in a hallway when we were rousting some crashers out and told me that Billy and Fergy were evicting them and the rest of them dealing coke, simply to get the coke so they instead of those they were kicking out could use it and sell it.
This was real corruption.

I told Lionel about this, and then they took my car and then they reduced my working hours from 40 to 14.
It is not known to me how I got myself and my dog to North Carolina.
I remember getting the papers for my dog back dated at the vets office so I could bring Orr back to North Carolina with me.

My number had come up 346.

For a Halloween Mask

It would be pretty stupid to fight a war for hedonism, if that is what you called it. The Anti War, Civil Rights Movement, War on Poverty was all better sounding. Right there you see they were having trouble with getting it right.

All these things are life and death. Even Jerry Garcia said, “We never said there wouldn’t be casualties.” (Sue me if I’m wrong.)

“Value your Life!” Do I have to beat you to death to get it through your head? I wanted to have that put on a bumper sticker to sell, but nobody buys things I make much. I ought to make more pictures of pigs.

When I was on my way in the movie to Toronto, it was as a soldier of the Anti- War Movement. I went as a black person white person, long haired wannabee, an artist, and survived by reading poetry on the streets, or publishing the misfits when the food paycheck came from fighting to keep the place a little more secure, safer.

Bill, the mailman, or was it Alabama Bob the Mail Man, who just moved Dodging in the place when he was like me. Like me, as hitting the age when you were to become a soldier, or what? LuckY?
When I was growing up you had to make decisions earlier, or different from just what college, or college at all.

Simple luck as the measure for the value of your life, what gave value to your life, is an offensive theory.

You’re life has value if you are lucky! Great. That isn’t very democratic. That isn’t a meritocratic way for things to be developed. When the war started hard there was a draft and then a college deferment.
They took the dumb, uneducated, and sent them to war.

Now in this day of the year 2014 January 5? January 5, I knew something was important about today as a number early this year and now I can’t remember what it is. it was Choice and Chance that got me here to today.

Ace Lawn Mower Repair

It was a struggle for me to determine if my fight was right? What if like the men who fought for the Confederate States of America, I wasted all my time?

There is that kid Destructo who tore apart the security buzzer system most buildings in Manhattan rely on. Doormen are better. Rochdale had to have SECURITY, because there were a number of wars going on.

When I had early got out of the place with my life it was: “I learned that Barbarians take what they want, and civilized people work for it.” Ought I put quotes around it? Why go to school to learn that?
I thought I knew that.

I did definitely learn that real enemies beat you and kill you, through you out the window, and do to you things like that.

There were speed freaks, junkies and drunks that wanted to get into Rochdale College, and there were plenty of insiders that stuck pipes in the back door to let them in.
Security is always compromised by the insiders.

Before a Sarah and girls fashion show.

It will probably be alright now. The way it started had ideals but those get forgotten when strangers come around and all of everybody gets unleashed. These things all happen in war times.
Now it is permanent war times as it was then for all the criminals trying to make a living.
I was a name forgetter. That isn’t all enough.
My regard was as naive, young, pretty good for a word person was the one quoted compliment. That was come from my gobbly gobble noises made to high out there speed freaks who had lost the trust in their own senses.
The Lobby area at the door was a stage area with curtains behind being then the banks of elevators and the paintings and the big stairs down stage right or left from the viewer where fell down people and disgorged events waterfall like the meeting of the in and out of the mouth of the place.
One fight or drama went on here after another day and night as it was the border and we were border guards.
In the daytime I would go there as an insider and hang out. I might be on the door in the night with then up to three of us. 2, or one., it is 42 years ago now. I was more self absorbed then.
I’d freaked out once and gone out for a long walk. I remember that. I remember some of that. I decided to give up LSD. Everybody wanted me to be gay I thought.
Somebody said it was all okay after you had done LSD. I didn’t agree missing my girlfriend. There had been the dumb cleaning girl who was available and they told me was real stupid. There was Kathy. There was the girl with sharp bottom jaw teeth. Some underage girl rubbed me till I had to do something for the both of us.
I don’t remember much other girls other than the bank teller I kept trying to get.
It is truly amazing what guys are gay or bi.
Anyway then on then what the corruption was: How it took form. First early we had all thought that cocaine was not addictive and that the reason not to do it was that it was a Mafia drug. That was turning out to not be the whole story. I turned it down because it was illegal in the building.
I wish I could remember the details better of the story. That was a hell of a party with the gas mask. Cocaine was offered to me, and that would have made me complicit and an insider to the corruption and all would have been better for me.
I guess.
My number came up 346. That is a good thing.
There had been the robbery and the beating and we found the guy hiding behind a couch in a hallway on the 11th floor I think.
The movie would have built up to this story as a turning point as in a memoir you are supposed to put things in that are actual turning points.

I was frightened running around looking for this guy found in a group of three as all forces had been alerted.
You sat at a desk with your back to the elevators and on your right was the big lobby and behind the record store was the room for the security office and upstairs was the big conference room? Big Meeting, Big Gathering room, and offices there for April?, girl with the high up butt, long legs with a short body and brunette with curious eyes and nice, a nice inquisitive person who I am sorry I didn’t pursue at the time not understanding that body type. She rented me a place first placing me in the commune.
I can’t remember. I might have lived three places. No, it was two. There was a good trip okay when I looked at the ceiling and watched the reflected light on the ceiling. Then there was the trip when I went out past Coach House and down then to meet with a guy to be in a movie and he had this incredible growth on his face around his camera eye and I had to leave.
There were two freak outs?
After and during the second I was prepared and kept control more finding a way to squash trouble and stay out of the way and not do LSD anymore.
Eventually I dealt with my LSD problem on my own.
There really weren’t many people who had an LSD addiction when you look closely at the Drug WAr. Mostly it was an educational experience. Pslocibin, now, wow what a fine drug for serious drug tripping events.
Hashish and Hash Oil, as I have said, are fantastic and pretty much will satisfy all of your drug taking needs if you need to get really high. Certainly cocaine and heroin are not needed if you get to hash oil first.
It is a superior high. I will probably really die early because I am denied hashish. If we move me to a place and create a way for me to get hashish I will live a longer and happier life.
There is no doubt of that.
But back to other stories and issues and lessons of life. Ok, one guy wanted to cut off the guys finger, and the other wanted to give him 30 tabs of bad acid and throw him out on the street, and I needed a car, and asked if he had a car.
He had a car.
We couldn’t go to the cops.
“Why does that wall look like that.” There was a wall in the building that was red of paint, all red. The paint had just been thrown on it.
“That’s the wall where we machine gunned some guys.”

From the Last Walk Series, (c)

Urban life means buildings and it is up to you to balance your interior with the gifts strewn around or not so that it is necessary for you to live like the sailor and deal with the port and small rooms as in the SRO taken over by rule breakers who want too many fucking pissing cats or dogs and nobody has the gall to just get rid of them and put them on the street to lay there hooked to the pole lamp put there by Edison and they steal power out of for their little TV.

Not possible for too many stories.
Rochdale College Toronto from High School graduation to when I had to get out or get killed likely and let us not find me no murders and statue of limitations and all so I hope we are cool?

When I was young there were some embarrassing events.
One terrible thing had to do with 50 dollar as month I some how got in some sort of mail from Bob, Bill, he was from Alabama and a dodger.
You look older if you grow a beard and I was 19 and they the most of them had been already drafted and some like Bob Weird Harold already had to desert.
So this was not about peace. This was about a war on and the war in Vietnam ended and so did downtown Rochdale.
I’d gone back once to visit with Lionel taking my brother. It must have sort of excited and horrified him. The parties on the elevator and I can’t remember where we stayed over any nights since I don’t even know why I went back, other than we do that sort of thing like soldiers who go back years latter to see graves and turns in the road and fields where friends died.

I’m recently 61 and so to 71 what’s that? 40 years? Give or take a year.

So by then I was living on the 4th floor facing out or back but had Mickey with me which was a favor to Billy. I’d travel between the 15th floor and the place I lived and the lobby where I worked screening people and my role as I understood it for you see that I was hired to do a job.
My job was to keep speed freaks and junkies out.
Really the Drunks were the most dangerous.

For the movie I never got to make it would be of course Character standing on the BQE expressway Big Queen Expressway superhighway some outside of Toronto and at least planning on getting there.
Back then I fully misunderstood life since I didn’t think I needed my father. There were some issues to sort out there.
Father hatred.
It wqs going around for whatever they did we were at war with our parents and the old people like I am now. We couldn’t make them happy and they couldn’t make us happy.

I wanted to fly and make movies and was selling poems on the street and did Ghetto News publishing everybody Mike of Tuesdaily wouldn’t publish. Being the Editor was my main job natural for I had done that in the class room at Adventure in Creativity. Ad Venture In CReativity! : What a stupid name even for an educational experience.

Once at least there I got LSD in me and climbed a pool and yelled about not wanting to come down. Fine. Those were good drugs. Those names of drugs they used really meant something more than we mostly understood as they were actually good brands. There were good brands and bad brands and sorts to where the brown windowpane didn’t even look right.
Don’t do that.

There is some commercial on TV now using a Jimi Hendrix song that turns my stomach for Chase now which isn’t even at all the bank it used to be and I having had to do business and needing a bank in NYC got so these bank bankruptcies mean lots more than you know young doing business. Citibank and Chase “Manhattan” and Manny Hanny, or Manufacturers Trust which was a regular bank, could be like acid brands or brand names in general.

Let’s bring back Eastern! Are you fucking kidding me!

So Rochdale was a Co-Op of a Co-Op education with Ethereal Foods there on the ground floor to feed us.

I’d go to Meat and Potatoes with Bob, Bill, whatever name he was forced to use since what we have are our name and criminals need lots of them. We knew some of these guys by their real names. That scares me now.
Courage you writer.
Courage you fool.
Mario Puzo turned it all to fiction and never used a real person’s name ever.
Safer it is that way even many years on.

These fucks are insider sabototuers SabOTours? fuck, I want to keep going and there have been times in my past I had to punch myself in the face to finish as sentence on a page with keys punching holes in any paper I used.

My first newspaper job ruined me about paper. Cheap paper newsprint was fine. Soak it in milk or take photographs of it.

What next: Stand there. Get fed. Get taken to a Caberat, small place show comfortable to watch serious civilized actors.
This is a scene list, then it is They figure out how to get rid of you.
Then you drive a car.
The Character I mean. The Mercedes sports car.
The Character turns the teacher on to hashish and he, the older guy is all dismissive, old and what they called square for really it goes to the Beatniks and the war against the Bomb, but then losing that war over and over everyday.
So let’s get high.

The Bank of Montreal took my money because it wasn’t enough for them to add interest too. I kept my bank book. Rochdale College was right across the street from the bank. My paycheck was good. Really the days now of us inventing script, money ought to have really been made done then, but we weren’t smart enough together and there was death as a reality for me anyway.

We got the theft to sign his car over to us.
Fergy wanted to cut his finger off. He’d always wanted to cut somebody’s finger off.
They cut fingers off in the movies all the time so it is obviously a desirable thing to do like having sex, or shooting somebody.
I’f I shoot somebody, I want to get their house for it.

A cabbie’s story of lust, when there is no time for love.

The image is the cover of TWICE. A story of lust when there is no time for love. (c)

I Want to Tell You

I want to tell you what you need to know, but I don’t want to tell you exactly how I know. If you did what I did to find out you’d probably be dead. I came close to finding out and having it of no use since I would be dead and not be able to tell you anything about it.
So Rochdale was inspiring and it was a college and a nation as an experiment, and everybody blames Security. It was Security’s fault that the place failed because they were rude?
One of them said to me, “You’re pretty good for a word person.” There are a few compliments I’ve gotten in my life that have been worth remembering and and was one. The other I want to tell you now but it doesn’t apply now, would be out of order.
The order would be me standing there looking at Toronto for the first time. Then some scenes with the Chudleys that I spent too much time with. I believed them when they said come and stay with us about the draft. A great deal of what happened in Canada happened because of the US citizens that went up there because of the War.
Bob the mail man from Alabama told me he was a conservative, no hippie at all and just didn’t like the draft. He said he just moved in while it was being built because he didn’t have anywhere else to go.
We were refugees, ex patriots, part of a brain drain some said and it was a common discussion about how to get “Landed Emigrant” status.
Some of us had to be criminals for the rest of our lives because I don’t think Carter even pardoned the Deserters. After awhile you just commit too many crimes anyway. it is no wonder the core group wouldn’t declare pot illegal and save the building!
The point of the place was to have separate laws from anywhere on the North American continent, and pot was legal. All the hallucenigenics were legal. All the opiates and narcotics were illegal.
The laws of Toronto actually gave us on Security an important power of domain since we were supposed to in all cases be consulted and go with the real Toronto Police to serve warrants for whatever there might be a legal issue about.
That was a big deal, and while often sort of fun and funny really was an important aspect of how we of Security could do a job of protecting and defending Rochdalians.
I wish I could have been there longer.
This guy came in late afternoon and beat a guy over the head with a pipe and stole 300 dollars worth of mescalyne.
That’s what set the end of my citizenship, stay, job there at Rochdale.

There was the time I met this tall hippie dressed girl in the laundromat. She bit my dick and ruined my sex life for a long time. Such strange dry skin she had. She was sexually incompetent. There are people like that. Somewhere somehow I knew better than to hurt my sex partners. jesus fucking Christ! Tom Wolf who writes about the place keeps saying he was celibate. Well around there it was a good idea if you wanted to keep your health and your dick actually attached to your body.
Canadian girls seemed al lot like Southern girls. You work and they get you to marry them and then they have babies and love the babies and fuck off if you say or do anything they or their fucking parents don’t like. Some of the hippie movement was supposed to be different about that with equality between the sexes but that hadn’t caught on with all the girls.
I had a another girl from Niagra Falls who I met at the door where I worked the nightime and Friday and Saturday night shifts when all the people would come into buy drugs for the party times there inside the building or where ever it was they would go to.
There was a place over in Yorkville called the Myna Bird I heard where they did live sex acts on stage. I was afraid to try that place. Some of the sophisticated people in the world go to places like that. That guy Bill Maher on TV is so proud of himself for being welcome at the Playboy mansion which I read is pretty ratty by now.
The girl from Niagra Falls was or gave me the name Kathy Guitar, and I told her when I got off and she waited or came back and we started doing it for awhile in my room in the AShram on in the Commune on the 15th floor. These places were keyed off from the hallways and you had to have a key to get into the whole commune, but I don’t think you needed a key to your apartment after that if you lived in a commune, of which there were about 3 or 4.
One was simply a criminal enterprise. Some guy sat there at the opening with a real WWII era burp gun.
When I met Lionel and he hired me he was Vice President and this for me was just the way it was.
I’d lived in Elon College NC, and Greensboro, NC and Chicago and around Detroit and I’d read a great deal already by then. Some people like tall Strawberry, or a fat guy and another some I’d all ready met in Bloomfield Hills where I had that scholarship to the summer school Adventure in Creativity. Turns out that school was run by Cranbrook which was Mitt Romney’s high school.
I’d started smoking pot with Steve Allen in Greensboro, NC when I was 15 first at Page there and then didn’t get to do LSD till I was in Chicago when I was 17 and 18, I think. I need to add it up. I’m embarrassed that I was held back because my birthday was so late in the year. It’s in the end of December.
But Kathy was pretty and a schemer type it looked and I had had sex with her a few times at least when I asked her if she was on the pill. Usually often then you could tell girls were on the pill because it gave their skin a bit of a mottling on their faces.
“No, I didn’t think you cared.” was what she said that ended that relationship.
The logic didn’t work for me. “didn’t think you cared.” What is was or what did that mean or signify? Safety first! In all things Safety First! I don’t know when I learned that as if someone has to teach you simple things like that, but anyway that is what she said and I can see the whole scene by the cheap prison type bed in the little room, bedroom space of the place where I paid to live.
Actually the interior design for the places was good. I had a window on Toronto from 15 stories up. People pay lots of money to get views like I had. That is what I miss of the place and that sort of life. I miss lots of things, and health and youth and good looks are worth missing.
Just having babies without some forethought and planning hasn’t been a happy thing except for one time, and she had a DSI,? something that amounts to an abortion but they don’t call it an abortion. We broke up about lots of things with that being one of the contributing factors. That was a real love affair though. That happened long later in my life and finished up my education as a person and a man, making me a real gentleman.
Well I am sorry some of what I know I had to live to learn.

Ready to leave

By the way everything is copyrighted you see here. Meaning if you see it here it is mine, though you can make a donation, or arrange to buy it. I charge 200 an hour or 200 a page whichever comes first.
The Daytime Work telephone is 919-960-8446. I live in Carrboro, NC, and there was a robbery on my street and I have the doors locked see.

200 an hour about anything.

I’ve nearly died and went bad crazy from the sicknesses that came about because of overuse of antibiotics, being some by that robbed of some productive time. The interior time was raw and ugly and forgotten for the most part.
I recovered and noticed that I was now old as even my body was changed to weak with lots to new parts.

A friend of mine gets to still like like he is in his thirties, but not myself. I want to leave some things for some people and my wife for the most part and she has a penciled will.

I would have been a good policeman, but didn’t go near that because I long liked to smoke pot. We have been at war now with authorities for 50 years at least. More since we heard about the war in news and history when we were at school, or went to the library.
I’ve not understood people that didn’t know much history, and weren’t interested in it. I suppose there is some correct truth to the affects of teachers on students. Whatever it is that is innate in the creature is what I want to know, so sociology is on interesting science.

Few of us love math. The ones that gravitate to it often seem to want some way to prove they are better or smarter than others and are often miserable company. Ben Franklin talked about the club he put together and mentioned a mathematical type who drifted away.

Some people are lifetime this or, lifetime that so it is interesting and a sign of danger that there is a Rochdale Security Blog strictured, set to exclude the uninvited. That may mean there are some lifetime criminals from Rochdale doing something in there.

Those who were on Rochdale Security were publicly on record. They were mostly hired by Lionel who hired me.

The way I got hired was that Tuesdaily stole the main poem I had had copied and was selling on the street. I am not sure how it got back to Lionel that I had been robbed. I might have complained. At any rate I am not doing fiction here and I remember Lionel came looking for me in the commune and we sat in the common area and talked.

“So my God, your number isn’t even up yet, forethought. Do you want to work on Security or Maintenance?”

I picked Security and ended up there on the door guarding the place from the junkies and speed freaks without much need for any history of Yorkville as impinging on Rochdale.

If you look at the History of Rochdale you see that the original plan would not have created such a need for a strong, violent, secretive, Security as became the case. This guy Dennis Lee, as young as he was, apparently bailed as soon as he saw the direction Rochdale College was going.

The histories of Rochdale blame Security for much of the downfall. The drug dealers were professionals. The drug dealers like drug dealers of today, organized crime of today, need protection.

In Rochdale there were some who had one apartment under one name, and another under another, and another. The reasons for that are that a professional criminal doesn’t want to get caught and go to jail.
“We were around a long time before you hippies.” one of them, maybe Fergie told me. I think he even did something condescending like put his hand on my head.

I nearly smacked a guy for pinching my cheek in Wilmington, NC in the 90s. One of those parties they had in Wilmington for the nascent film business at the ICE House we drove to like it would be something more than a second rate, third rate, waste of time not even worthwile for “networking”, your leftover reality from when there was some reality in this fucking world.

Then, I was a lot less likely to even think about it. He was telling me a truth I needed to keep into account.

I learned a lot about political science in Rochdale. In later more academic studies then I knew what it was about when reading: “A nation has to maintain a monopoly on force.”
– I had long ago in High School read The Essential Works of Anarchism, reading the William Godwin tract about how a struggle with the environment was not enough to create a nation.
Rochdale was a loss in the war between the generations which isn’t a good way of describing it for it is a Drug War from then in a line to now where I hear about 60 thousand dead in Mexico and can see the movie No Country of Old Men.

Lots of my people have gone to prison, which is a kind of death. Lots of my people retired as does my character attempt in The Revolutionary.

To be real clear about the criminals and the operations as controlling places under different names is that one place was a warehouse, the other where business was done, and the other was where they lived.

–

One idea was that I’d do well, be famous, at least have a house to live in, be happy, get to drink and have dinner by candlelight.

When it was that I was sleeping now in ditches and didn’t have anything I don’t really know what made me thing things could get that much significantly better? I mean, I really did have a long way to go.

Hard work was going to do it.

The City could be seen near sundown as a black lump in the orange and swirl of it all and not too cold., Toronto was in sight, and I was optimistic as Americans are beaten into their hard heads to be.
Doing it is always more important than doing it right. It is all funny. The American art that sells is one big joke.
That’s for sure.

I, as a photographer, always thought there would be time to do it over.

These days I tell people who are moving that they need to realize that that box may well never be opened again. Andy Warhol was really over and over a genus long now after he died of a simple problem he ought not have died from. What a lesson he is. It really disturbs me he was shot. I distrust the way he died. It is a fact they sell his taped shut boxes that he just sent to his warehouse. Someday they may find the edited cassette tape I sent via my junkie friend.

I got another work of conceptual art: like I’ll just lay on the floor and everybody gets to spit on me.

This morning I remembered getting Ron to try some hashish. He had to smoke it out of a water pipe he kept complaining about how he had asthama, some weakness of breathing. They let me drive their rich friends Mercedes Benz sports car that handled smoothly and nicely not like the regular Mercedes that must be made to handle nicely at 90 miles an hour instead of regular speeds.
Nobody really understands cars. The reason they can go a hundred miles an hour on the flats is because there are two mountain ranges you have to get across to get to LA.
You don’t need to go fast, you need to be able to get over the mountains.

But I always sort of thought I’d have somebody to look up too, and that is true till then you don’t. It has been a long time since I’ve known anybody to look up to as a help and advisor.

Lionel has been dead now at least 30 years.

Lionel got killed at 35 himself. I only know of one son for him. The son was named Max and was really babied so at 12 he was still being awakened by his mother. The kid carried a puppet around with him all the time. I cam close to marrying his old girlfriend and the mother of his child who now has a fine career with lots and lots of standardized credits and is a fine drawer. Draftsman.

She didn’t like me finally because I had severe writers block not smoking for her and that was the job I’d got for The Inspector Gadget Show she got me from Fort Lauderdale in a motel they called the “Empty Arms” because you couldn’t have company in your room and I could’t write till I did get beer and cigarettes and sat in the room using soft newsprint paper like I’d used for the newspapers I wrote for out in the sticks of upstate New York.

Lionel didn’t know really how badly he had done Rochdale.

They had to have Security. The speed freaks and junkies were invading the place and you had to simply throw them out since really they were like cockroaches. Vampires and Voodoo Zombies are about people that have no other needs but speed and junk and cocaine which while as a sophisticated powder for the upperclasses is still just speed now crack that puts peasants in Mexico to work in organizations like how all the top level capitalists cynical create systems of slavery around all the pleasures they can afford.

Lionel had the Ducati and had been a real Canadian Navy smuggler going into East Germany where they must have got it somewhere cheap in big Russia.
I don’t know what he got there in East Germany.
I don’t know what year it was that he was in a van and there was yelling at he boarder and he couldn’t get caught and started shooting the burp gun through the walls of the van and they got through.

So he knew people and had ridden some small bike all the way to California in the opening days of the revolution. He was a Canadian Toronto Biker. I think it was Fergy who had done 15 years for pot in a cold Canadian prison and was reputed to own the copyright, have had registered the name Panama Red. Back then it was expected that it really wouldn’t be long before pot was legal.

Nobody has ever died from it. You can’t OD.

it is really really nice mixed with opium as long as you don’t get addicted really. That is what would get me I suppose: Black Nepalese Temple balls. God what a perfect high.
To be without ambition or at whatever hunger ambition is supposed to satisfy is what being high like that is.

After they dumped me off and I’d spent most of my money on an apartment I just went over to the tourist streets and started selling my poems on the streets. I was only a Boy Scout cook and young and remember being so hungry that I at a whole box of cake donuts in the stairwell.

The hippies were proud of Ethereal Foods where there was a fantastic amount of granola and fruit and honey to be had. I was a vegatarian then just because that was the only food available. My wife won’t go into the nearby legacy Co-Op hardly here in Carrboro, NC where I live now.

She snarls lots when she doesn’t get meat. There are lots of women like that really. Women who don’t eat meat are sometimes mentally stable, but lots of time they aren’t. My sister was going to get put in a mental hospital for too much vegaterian of a lifestyle and the fact of hypogycemia meant she needed a certain type of protein you don’t get from granola and lettuce.

So Lionel was one that I looked up to and had stories for me and was good to hang out with and Arna made food for all of us and I ate raw spinach for the first time and was happy about some of these things till I wasn’t and the corruption of the bikers the Bikers got too much and ruined the place.

There are lots of around the edge stories of Rochdale College Toronto where they talk about Security. But I was on Security and I really know the whole story and I really was threatened and said to be this and that and I did this and that and pretended to be crazy a few times and I am still alive for there are stories like how people jumped out of the building because flying seemed possible when you are that high on LSD.

They would have told that as a story about me.

I just put put the flag there cause I was inspired by life in Rochdale. After the vision something had to come of it all. There was hitchhiking and cold and boredom standing around waiting for a ride.

When i’d gotten expelled at least once, and the teachers were dumb they sent me away from my brother and sisters to Chicago and there I did all right getting arrested a couple of times, or once. The riot was the main thing. They didn’t kill any of us even that year. They started killing us at school in Chicago the next year. That Kenwood Academy in pictures now, I don’t see any white kids like us at all. We were still 30 percent.

I got punched the first day in the hallway was where. I got punched hard in the face by someone just passing in the mob. My junior year of High School at Kenwood on the South Side of Chicago living with my cousins where my Uncle was priest to Hyde Park Episcopal which wasn’t far down the block way there somewhere we can find it in Chicago

Ronnie Hartfield got me into some scholarship from school for my writings of poetry that was started by a lack of hate for poems started by some words from my father’s young boyfriend from long ago before the divorce. I didn’t know but so much. It is as opposed to the boyfriend his own age that worked at the typewriter factory. Or there was the orthodontist. His hands were soft and how else was dad to afford to get my teeth fixed?

So I had complained about the school and got sent to the city. I was given the opportunity to go to the school in the city. They put me on a plane with my records and some clothes. I feel bad about any of the money I can look back that was spent on me. Now I have reasons.

There are lots of times I don’t remember. There are some times I remember over and over that take up for it.

Something must have happened to give me the opportunity to go to downtown. I got to go downtown for a writers workshop once a week led by a Doctoral candidate whose name I’ve more than once tried to remember. The kid I went with dropped out because he was the other white kid and he said they wouldn’t accept him as a human being.

There was one other black boy who was gay, 7 or 8 black girls, Colin and me. Colin and I had been riding the cab with the stipend to get a cab together. I had to get there by myself after that. We had all be picked out of a writing class.

There was a writing and an acting class and Mandy Pitinkin was the big success out of the acting class. I did alright but he was so good I didn’t feel very hopeful about acting till after I did stand-up comedy enough to get offered a job. Still I never moved to the right places at the right time and things weren’t fully understood and there were fights and failures and I wanted to do too much.

What do you want me to tell you?

Anyway I got a scholarship to a school called Adventure in Creativity from the Urban Gateways Writers Workshop. It is real doubtful that anything much would have come good out of the times in high school in Greensboro, NC. I went back to that place after the year and 6 weeks of summer in Michigan outside of Detroit and to shorten the story it was my American Graffitt.

There had been Ron and Diane Chudley and they said that when I graduated from high school I could come and stay with them to avoid the draft for the war in Vietnam.

I didn’t know that often people say such things and don’t really mean them. I went to Toronto right after graduating from high school. I had to hitch hike because my mother wouldn’t let her boyfriend give me some motorcycle he had.

He probably didn’t mean it about he motorcycle either, but he said it and she said it and I went hitch hiking to Toronto right away. I was in solidarity with the black people of the inner cities in my mind as the Black Panthers had pointed out how white boy didn’t have to go to Vietnam.

By then there was a lottery and I and anybody might have to go and the war had been going on since I had been in the 9th grade, and I wasn’t going.

Three weeks went by with me staying there at the Chudley’s. That is the absolute limit for a visit.

I never mean to be rude. I never meant to be rude. They should have told me to go to Vietnam an take my chances. They were Canadians and could just look down and talk bad about Americans of the US in a language Americans can understand.

We went to a caberate together they took me too. They told me to keep thinking the way I did which was that I can make up whole stories possible out of little incidents. Maybe I can get the neighbor to come over and then shoot him inside my house and take his land., for instance. I could make a whole movie out of that. That’s what’s left of them. I can’t find them.

But they dropped me off at Rochdale College where I rented a room with what money I had left. I had enough to rent a room. I really could be frugal. There are laws about who can work in one country from the next. Rochdale was a fine place for deserters and dodgers. There were paying criminal activities to do.